ugh....said with emphasis!!

To do or not to do.......... you know that feeling when you want to do something, but you're not sure if it should be done, or if it is the right time....yea I get those days alot. The problem here is that I never know when the right time is. If I have a thought in my head, I would want to say it before I forget, and as logical as that may sound apparently "there is a time and place for everything", well I get that, but when exactly is that time and who decides this if not me. Who determines the things that should be censored from our thoughts, and what if the wrong things are censored. I mean I have alot of thoughts alot,things I wish to do and say but I guess the problem with me is that I just don't know how and more importantly WHEN.

Trapped in a parallel dimension

I feel like I'm trapped in the virtual world, and I don't have the comfort of talking to someone face to face. This new trend that I am being sucked into seems to be changing my personality. I think I have become quite shy infront of people, because I forgot how to act around others, since most of my conversations are done over the phone or online.

This virtual world makes me more conscious (hope that is spelled correctly) of how I look when I do eventually go outside, since I am not used to showing people more than one dimension of my face. So its fair to say I only show people one side, which is a good side also at an angle that may distort or add features to my face that I may not exactly have. So yes, I am decieving people with the pictures that I put up because I want to look pretty all the time.

For instance, if I do want to meet someone that I havent met in years, I'm afraid they may not recognize me from my pictures, because quite frankly, I just don't look like that. I don't wake up to flawless skin, thats why they have photoshop!!!

All in all, I have become a hermit in my room, an I guess I long for something real, something as simple as a conversation, a touch, a hug, a real life smile. So you PINGS!!! and nudges and pokes, I no longer need you.....

*turns off computer and goes outside*

erm.... I forgot my jacket, I say good day *slams door dramatically behind*

If I were in KSA

Being raised in Toronto Canada, I have adapted a torontonian personality, which may be different from others, but I guess we are all the same or are based under similar concepts. If I stayed in KSA, my birth place, would that make me a different person, Considering an environment creates ones personality, and even life experiences, its only fair to say the environment and experiences one can get in KSA is extremely different. I wonder if I wouldve been different, or grew up to be the same person, Would I be an introvert or an extrovert, or in between......

Would I fall for the same type of people, or would I have the same views on love that I have now. Would I be more religious or less educated.......... If I lived in KSA, that would mean I would still be living with my grandma, I can only wonder if I would be going to school, or spend my time at home.

I think of weird things, an these thoughts, aka elevator thoughts, consume my mind on a daily. But this is just KSA, we can look into somalia. I grew up not knowing about tribes and the sects in africa, however I'm sure if I was raised in somalia I'd be a qabeelist, or would I?

Or would I still be raised as the clueless person I am tell me

Should I open the door?

At times trouble comes knocking on your door, and I can only wonder if I should open it. It could be anyone, my friends, my family, or just a complete stranger.

what you get when you don't open the door.....

You may never know the news the person on the other end may have for you. The news could be important information that could change your life, or how you view things. The news may not always be bad, but could have a negative outcome if its not taken care of right away. And of course it could be a stranger that would kill you and since you didn't open the door, you still have your life..

Now obviously that door will most likely be opened even if its not you opening it. The bad thing about all this is that, once you open that door then you automatically become involved. Whatever good, bad that person may bring, now has your name attached to it. You don't have to be the bad guy in this scenario, but hey you opened the door didn't you. There is now a million versions of the actual story and we will only believe the version that has the most drama....

Well someone is knocking on my door *slowly gets up an hesitates*......... Should I open it?

signing off



Its easy for someone or something to put up an act from the outside, and at times I feel like I am a victim of illusions because I may fall for something to be truthful when infact it could possibly be a lie. At the moment I will use a simple example. I honestly and truly believe that people in comparison to my mirror lie to me. I have a bump on my eye, or so my mirror claims. I know its there, my reflection knows its there, but people (ahem ahem), do not see it.

What does this mean exactly? am I and my reflection crazy!, how can two people be crazy?

Does this mean I need another mirror or that people (ahem ahem) are just trying to be nice.
I think the way I look to other people is not how I see myself...... An my pictures an reflection do not look the same, so in total we are dealing with a whole lotta of people....this is confusing....

signing off


suckumentary at its finest

sometimes the things you want to forget the most are the things that continuously haunt you. And I don't mean to be paranoid, but its like you want to forget a name like "zamboo" and why is it the name pops up on the news, like is "zamboo" even a typical name, and ppl tell me I'm delusional and that I'm looking for these things to make sense of the bigger picture, and what happens next, the main character on a movie I decide to watch is named "zamboo", or the bball player I suddenly have a crush on is named "zamboo".....GOO AWAY ZAMBOO

now obviously I made up the name zamboo, but the real name is just as strange and I have to withold it due to confidentiality and privacy laws, I'm not tryna get sued here.

The main point that I'm tryna make is that, sometimes little things keep reminding you of what used to be good, and you begin to wonder, are these things really "signs", should I just continue what I'm doing and run into "zamboo" at other odd places, or should I take a chance and see if these signs really mean something

risk heart ache and torture, or live in a world of what ifs?

which would you choose