Asalaamu alaikum!

Now this isn't my first fast and I have worked before while fasting, however considering I work almost everyday now as a full time nurse I was a bit nervous for this Ramadan. If you are a nurse or a health care professional then you will definitely understand how hard and stressful a regular day can be. Last year my s.o had suggested I eat consciously and take multivitamins during suhoor as well as foods that will keep me full throughout the day. Unfortunately last year I was too lazy to take advice since I was only working part time and it wasn't so bad. Plus I was also too lazy to actually go out and buy the multivitamins. Well I finally took that advice (yes I bought multivitamins) and my first day went rather well and this is what I did.

I woke up at 3 am! this bit was the hardest, getting my body out of bed and keeping my eyes open. I forced myself out of bed and made myself oatmeal and added some fruits to my bowl of oatmeal, though I normally prefer honey it just so happened that I ran out. I drank 1 glass of chocolate milk, and by 1 glass I mean 240 ml's if we want to get specific here. Lastly I had a multivitamin by swiss naturel. Any brand will work but these were just what I had at hand and voila, the recipe to a great work day!.

I just wanted to share this because I'm still so pumped about this, anyways I'm actually still at work, I think I should go and start my documentation process.......

Ba Bye!

Asalaamu alaikum!

So Eid Mubarak folks, or happy belated Eid. Its the year 2015 and I call this the year of the eyebrows. Now to all you fashionistas out there that are reading this and thinking, eyebrows have always been an important part of beauty for centuries!  for me tragically I am a bit behind and I have begun to notice the severity of unkept eyebrows recently....let me explain.

Now before I begin I will admit that I do not do my eyebrows, to some this may be a fashion crime but frankly I do not care for how my eyebrows look. In fact I like them exactly how they are and I have never felt the need to get them done. I went to the salon a few days before eid and before I can even say what I wanted the hairstylist looked at me, then my eyebrows and said "eyebrows are $3".
The audacity of the women to offend and humiliate my eyebrows and the worst part of it all was my response, "I'm not here to do my eyebrows". Now normally one would assume, after a few sympathetic stares and fake apologies the scene would be over but....no.....
The hairstylist continued her save world hunger one eyebrow at a time rant by stating "its eid no, you have to do your eyebrows, how are you gonna celebrate eid with eyebrows like that". I for one was not informed that my eyebrows forbade me from celebrating eid, had I known earlier I would've quarantined myself...I would like to apologize for those that I have offended by exposing my eyebrows......have I learned my lesson..... sadly no.....

Asalaamu alaikum!

Life is the most interesting journey anyone can be on, and we are all travelling in the same destination, just with different paths. We all want exactly the same thing but do different things to attain it...HAPPINESS. The thing with this concept is that it takes a bunch of concepts to make it complete. Things like, anger, frustration, stress, and most importantly sadness. How can one truly understand the meaning of any of these words without experiencing them all in its entirety. Why do we prefer to avoid the negative aspects of happiness when we truly need it to understand its worth?.

Happiness can come and go, and be replaced with sorrow and despair within seconds. One thing I realized is that it can't be avoided, its part of the journey. There is no escape when it comes to this, all you can do is just brace yourself, make duaa and continue on your path.

Asalaamu alaikum!

As a female I am naturally prone to being emotional I must admit, I am not ashamed because that just makes me human and not a robot. However at times its our thoughts that lead to our self destruction. The what ifs, and maybe's we repeat in our minds can ruin us. I can be put in a situation and right away, my thoughts run with me and from there I make terrible decisions. I guess my question is, how patient can one really be?. If I had someone moderating my decisions would they still be mistakes?.

The advice I usually give out is "make duaa and be patient" (not that I am qualified to be giving out advice), however that is a lot harder than it seems. Impatience is a demon that dwells within me, and as hard as I try to control it the chains seem to be getting loose as the days go on.  Ramadan is approaching and at the right time, so hopefully this changes things or something. The goal is to increase my imaan and gain a stronger grip on my deen.

Asalaamu alaikum!

Standards of beauty change everyday, once upon a time skinny was the trend and woman would go under the knife to have fat removed. Now its the complete opposite, instead of having fat removed, fat or silicones are surgically implanted to create the curvy figure. As a woman I often follow certain trends to "keep up" so I'm not left behind. As a hijabi, it becomes difficult but its something I still want...to be beautiful. This is not out of insecurity or low self esteem, but beauty is something we all seek subconsciously. What is beauty exactly?, what is this thing we look for when we look in the mirror, because we are looking for something specific....I just haven't figured out what it is. Well I want to share a story that gave me a new perspective, through the eyes of a senile woman......

Being a nurse can be redundant or feel like routine for awhile then all of a sudden switch and you panic. This day, was more of a routine day, quiet and nothing out of the ordinary. Normally while I push the medcart around I have this one lady follow me with a baby doll telling me stories of her home and how she misses it. Everyday she would tell me how beautiful she thought I was, and how perfect I looked. I was flattered for the most part, but considering she had bad eyesight I never thought much of it. She couldn't really see my features properly, I'm sure I was just a blur and at times I questioned if she understood the cloth on my head was not my hair. She would always tell me I shouldn't be working so much and I should preserve this "beauty" of mine, and still I thought nothing of it. One day, she didn't follow me around, it was a bit unusual for me not to have my walking buddy but because she had dementia, I took it as she must've forgotten today. I went to her room to check up on her, she was on her chair rocking the baby doll and lulling it to sleep. She looked up at me and says "Hey I remember you, you're that beautiful young girl", I giggled and asked "what makes me so beautiful and different from you?" and this was her response......

"you have all your teeth", she said as she showed me her toothless grin. "Your limbs and joints move properly" she said as she struggled to bend her knees up. "You can breathe without it being painful", she said as her voice quaked. "You can see me and I struggle to see you, but I see that you are beautiful" she said while rocking her baby doll "You look like how you are supposed to look like" she said at last, "thats why you are so beautiful".

After a few weeks she started to deteriorate and had forgotten me completely. I wanted her to remember me, to remember my name, and I would try to tell her things to trigger something.....but nothing happened. One day I decide to change her name to beautiful, and she responded with, "you are the beautiful one, you have all your teeth!".

Asalaamu alaikum!

It took me about 40 minutes to go to my job interview, the traffic was terrible but I stayed optimistic, I looked great I felt great nothing could get in my way. I Arrived at my interview 10 minutes early, my hijab on point, with an extra pin stuck inside my purse…I was just PREPARED. The interviewer was a bit late, but I was still pretty patient, I already had a good first impression and that was punctuality. Now usually with whats going on in the news I should've been nervous considering I wear my religion on my head, but I wasn't. My identity was my winning factor, I was a minority, and considering there weren't any muslims at first glance, I figured they needed me…for diversity and because I'm just awesome.

So the interviewer arrives eventually, apologizes for her lateness and we begin. The questions were straight forward, nothing unusual. She asks me what I would change in the hiring process to help nurses or other medical professionals and my response was "Everyone deserves a chance and experience shouldn't be the deciding factor, everyone has had a beginning at one point." I felt strongly about my statement, a few questions later the interview ends she thanks me for coming and says expect to hear from her in a weeks time.

A week later I find out she hired someone else with…. MORE EXPERIENCE. Now considering how the interview went I figured I was probably a default interview and they must've already chose someone to fill quota. However did she not hear what I said!!!!, just because I have no experience does that make me flawed?. I drove to another city for a 15 minute interview, does that not show dedication……

Anywho, to potential employers if you are reading this….. You were once unexperienced, it happens, Get over it!!

that is all.

Asalaamu alaikum!

Common sense is not so common at times. Often we try to make the smartest decisions but it ends up being the most dumbest one. After the mistake has been done we start to wonder, "what the hell was I thinking?".  I pretty much had this moment yesterday over a craigslist ad. Its too soon to speak about because I'm still emotional about it but…. What the hell was I thinking?!

Asalaamu alaikum!

I know I've taken a very long hiatus, but I'm back now and this time for good (hopefully).

It took me years to understand the answer to this question and I'm sure a lot of females from my cultural background or one similar know what I mean. Its not easy growing up with traditional parents and relatives who believe a females only purpose is to be a house wife. For years I have struggled and fought to stand up for myself. I wanted a career, I wanted to be educated, though I kept an open mind about the suitors that came. However each time I fought I was brought back down. I had no one to talk to. I started believing the traditional ways and the goals that I had achieved meant absolutely nothing. You see in the eyes of my family…… my career meant "distraction". From the other females I have spoken to I realized they didn't have anyone to talk to as well. I wanted to address this issue here.

My parents started believing I was avoiding marriage when in fact it just hasn't happened yet. There is no real reason as to why I am not married, I'm just not…simple as that. When things don't work out, its because they weren't meant to work out. I have never questioned the will of Allah (swt), it just wasn't written.

So to all you foreigners that are going through what I went through. Don't question or doubt yourself. If it hasn't happened yet that doesn't mean you lack beauty or charm. All it means is that it was written that way. It will come, just stop stressing and continue living life……that is all.

If I were institutionalized for my thoughts would I be declared mentally unstable?. The conversations I have in my head make perfect sense but as soon as I try to verbalize those thoughts its portrayed differently by others. I look crazy making sense of things and signs and trying to read between the lines. So I wonder if that makes me crazy?. I don't think I overanalyze things, I think people talk with so much complication and not enough truth.  Honesty comes with a lot of puzzles, that I constantly try to fit together. I am only one person, I can't prove my sanity with my words, but If you put a probe in my head then you will understand what it is I'm trying to say.

To do or not to do.......... you know that feeling when you want to do something, but you're not sure if it should be done, or if it is the right time....yea I get those days alot. The problem here is that I never know when the right time is. If I have a thought in my head, I would want to say it before I forget, and as logical as that may sound apparently "there is a time and place for everything", well I get that, but when exactly is that time and who decides this if not me. Who determines the things that should be censored from our thoughts, and what if the wrong things are censored. I mean I have alot of thoughts alot,things I wish to do and say but I guess the problem with me is that I just don't know how and more importantly WHEN.

I feel like I'm trapped in the virtual world, and I don't have the comfort of talking to someone face to face. This new trend that I am being sucked into seems to be changing my personality. I think I have become quite shy infront of people, because I forgot how to act around others, since most of my conversations are done over the phone or online.

Being raised in Toronto Canada, I have adapted a torontonian personality, which may be different from others, but I guess we are all the same or are based under similar concepts. If I stayed in KSA, my birth place, would that make me a different person, Considering an environment creates ones personality, and even life experiences, its only fair to say the environment and experiences one can get in KSA is extremely different. I wonder if I wouldve been different, or grew up to be the same person, Would I be an introvert or an extrovert, or in between......

Would I fall for the same type of people, or would I have the same views on love that I have now. Would I be more religious or less educated.......... If I lived in KSA, that would mean I would still be living with my grandma, I can only wonder if I would be going to school, or spend my time at home.

I think of weird things, an these thoughts, aka elevator thoughts, consume my mind on a daily. But this is just KSA, we can look into somalia. I grew up not knowing about tribes and the sects in africa, however I'm sure if I was raised in somalia I'd be a qabeelist, or would I?

Or would I still be raised as the clueless person I am today........you tell me

At times trouble comes knocking on your door, and I can only wonder if I should open it. It could be anyone, my friends, my family, or just a complete stranger.

Its easy for someone or something to put up an act from the outside, and at times I feel like I am a victim of illusions because I may fall for something to be truthful when infact it could possibly be a lie. At the moment I will use a simple example. I honestly and truly believe that people in comparison to my mirror lie to me. I have a bump on my eye, or so my mirror claims. I know its there, my reflection knows its there, but people (ahem ahem), do not see it.

What does this mean exactly? am I and my reflection crazy!, how can two people be crazy?

Does this mean I need another mirror or that people (ahem ahem) are just trying to be nice.
I think the way I look to other people is not how I see myself...... An my pictures an reflection do not look the same, so in total we are dealing with a whole lotta of people....this is confusing....

signing off

Ascension

sometimes the things you want to forget the most are the things that continuously haunt you. And I don't mean to be paranoid, but its like you want to forget a name like "zamboo" and why is it the name pops up on the news, like is "zamboo" even a typical name, and ppl tell me I'm delusional and that I'm looking for these things to make sense of the bigger picture, and what happens next, the main character on a movie I decide to watch is named "zamboo", or the bball player I suddenly have a crush on is named "zamboo".....GOO AWAY ZAMBOO

now obviously I made up the name zamboo, but the real name is just as strange and I have to withold it due to confidentiality and privacy laws, I'm not tryna get sued here.

The main point that I'm tryna make is that, sometimes little things keep reminding you of what used to be good, and you begin to wonder, are these things really "signs", should I just continue what I'm doing and run into "zamboo" at other odd places, or should I take a chance and see if these signs really mean something

risk heart ache and torture, or live in a world of what ifs?

which would you choose

The greatness of her love
She wheeled him into his room at the hospital after giving him a shower. She walked with drenched clothes, but giggled at the thought that the shower nozzle slipped from her hands. She was exhausted, and her body was sore, lifting her husbands leg was too much of an effort considering it was nothing but dead weight. She hardly thought of the times before his spinal cord injury only because she couldn’t remember how life was then. He on the other hand was constantly worried about her, he hated that she took care of him so much and dedicated her time, effort and strength to make him comfortable but whenever he asked why she did it she would always reply “because i love you”. Not once did she complain of how tired she was, she was always in smiles and it seemed like what she did had no effect on her she always said “im the luckiest woman in the world”
I always loved seeing them at the hospital, the amount of love they had for each other. His helplessness and her dedication, it makes you wonder how far one will go. He couldn’t move at all on his own, she was his arms and legs. He was smitten by her love an she was dedicated, working full time and taking care of him. Through the months he started to get better, he gained back sensation and movement in his arms and took his time to work on his upper body, and if you ever asked him he would say, “i do this so she doesn’t have to”. Though he would never walk again, he was determined to be independant with the limbs he had.......
I just wanted to share this story, and give her some sort of recognition, not just her but all women that go through the same thing.

This may be the most controversial, and yes maybe sexist thing that Ive ever mentioned publicly, but I truly believe that as a woman I shouldn't work a day in my life.

Why?!

Well this thought came to me while I woke up at 5 am for my placement at the hospital sometime ago. First thing I noticed were the bags under my eyes, my pale dehydrated tired looking skin, and I thought to myself, what on earth am I doing to myself. I got dressed and left my sleeping family in bed while I "the woman" went to work.....
Hours later I came back exhausted and zombie like, started cleaning doing laundry, time passed next thing you know my alarm clock rings an the cycle continues.......

A mans life

He wakes up, goes to school or work, comes back exhausted and zombie like, his meal is set for him (on average), he goes to bed at his own free will and does as he pleases at this point. He is not required to do housework or extra chores but he is pitied for coming home "exhausted" and we the females are asked to "leave him alone"........well what about me or girls like me, why can't exhaustion be in our dictionary..

So I thought, why not just cut some things out of the equation, like working. For now its just a back up plan but I don't think I ever intend to bother myself with work or anything that will break my nails.

AAHHH what a life that will be

Asalaamu alaikum errr one

Ok so alot of people have asked me about the journey through the 10 days and why I havent finished documenting the rest of the days. Alhamdulilah we prayed all the days but because of a death in the family I temporarily lost interest in blogging about it. Those last few days are a bit personal so I'll keep it as that.

so back to my topic......so I want to go paragliding and ziplining, an sky diving an all that fun stuff, but a) I can never find a group of people brave enough to go adventure seeking with me, and b) everything costs a hell of alot of money. Why does it have to cost money to jump, off a plane, jumping is free, why can't I just rent the equipment and be on my way. I'm sure I can find some online tutorials of how to bend my legs while I'm in the air. I want to go to china an be dared to eat fried bugs and worms and throw up and laugh about it later on. Or go to a rainforest and....i dont know what I would do there but it seems interesting. Or go to an african village an just dance with the tribal leaders an paint my face like a tribal warrior. I have dreams of throwing my self off a mountain and diving into a waterfall which also happens to be on my bucketlist, I feel that I have no time to do it all while I'm still young. For a 23 year old with excrutiating random back pains my time is ticking.....HELPPPP MEEEEE!!!!!

Day 6-Tariq x2

I know we already went to Tariq but we wanted to repeat it again. One thing I'd like to say is that its not easy for someone to pick up a load of girls that are scattered across toronto, for the sake of performing Tahajjud at a masjid. May Allah (swt) reward my dear friend Hiba who took the responsibility upon herself (Ameen). I'd also like to mention that since Ramadan is coming to an end, I pray that the rest of the year feels exactly like this ramadan. InshAllah we have gained enough strength from this month to be protected against the shaytan once theyve been unchained. Tomorrow will be an odd day so we should take the time to make dua for those that are in a struggle. When we are consumed in the prayer of others, the angels make duaa for us, so inshAllah we should take advantage of that.

Day 5-Darul Hijrah

So again we didnt go to the masjid we had planned on going, this seems to be a routine lol, but it wasn't written for us to go. It was meant for us to make Darul hijrah number 5 and of course we embraced it. The reciter had an amazing voice MashAllah, however we were all disappointed he went really fast. I felt rushed, but khayr, we used the rest of the time to sit in our corners making duaa, and went to the car an played a recording of a duaa (Hiba's idea....smart girl). So far the experience is great, it set a trigger on me an on all of us. We seem different, closer, our bond seems stronger then before. Unfortunately no pics again and with very good reason. The place looks like a warehouse, an I'd rather you all imagine how it looked like anyways....InshAllah if god wills Abu Hurairah will be the next masjid.....INSHALLAH!!!